tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26748431362501820402024-02-20T17:12:35.513+08:00Mencari Katarsis"Look at things at the correct perspectives." (Dr. Hafidzi, 2015).Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.comBlogger298125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2674843136250182040.post-91131805184569266232021-11-30T23:19:00.000+08:002021-11-30T23:19:16.498+08:002 years later<p> I forgot how to write. I always wrote as if someone is reading. Now I know no one is reading, let me just pour it all out.</p><p>I am so unsure of someone now. Is this the right person or am I being delusional? </p><p>My best friend keeps saying "Don't settle for less" but how do I know if it's less, enough or just what I needed? I pray hard so that if this is right, be close and if it isn't, stay far. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><div style="text-align: left;">P/s: So casually cruel in the name of being honest.</div>Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2674843136250182040.post-3820114877494957762019-11-09T08:09:00.000+08:002019-11-09T08:09:59.101+08:00How shallow can I be? Very.Today, I finally noticed something. Actually, someone and some people. I'd like to make this post short so here is a list of things I noticed today at last.<br />
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1. Someone had been trying hard to get my attention since a few months ago.</div>
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2. Some gestures and talks are hard for me to understand, especially when they are shadowed by emojis.</div>
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3. If I don't make a step, I might not get something or someone. Simple.</div>
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4. I finally understand why some relationships couldn't connect. There is no spark.</div>
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5. We can casually talk about missing each other but there is always a thin line that separates the friendship boundary. </div>
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6. As a person who was given too much hints, I am on the shallow side.</div>
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7. As a person giving quite many hints, I am on the afraid-I-might-get-hurt side.</div>
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8. I used to catch up quickly but as I recently put on my ignorant attitude as a shield, I don't focus on complicated stuff.</div>
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9. I still haven't totally figured myself out.</div>
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10. My self esteem level has decreased, my confidence is fading and my passion is drying out.</div>
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What do you see in a person that makes you like them? I am so curious of this extraordinary mystery but I think I know the answer.</div>
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I have a feeling that I don't deserve to feel love. There is nothing in me for people to see. Is that true? Now, trauma sucks big time. </div>
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Over time, I really wish I can fix this.<br />
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Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2674843136250182040.post-65625452940246504522019-09-02T23:39:00.003+08:002019-09-02T23:42:04.412+08:00Back in KlangI went back to Klang. Today is my first day. "First day blues," my father said.<br />
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3 months ago I was always avoiding the question of whether I wanted to come back. I thought of this as the last resort. Indeed, this is it and I couldn't deny that I need the money. I couldn't contribute financially to the house so I tried contributing in a different way. Tiring but home is where the heart is.<br />
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So, on my first day, the first few hours were inviting. I started worrying if I was making a wrong decision by coming back. I had breakfast with the office staffs. They knew I was coming. Some of them kept on bantering about some trouble they were having with the regulations and some were just showing attitude. Come on, it was only my first day.<br />
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I talked to my boss later on. He asked me if I had already signed my contract in which I said the HR apparently was still waiting for approval. As expected of her. He then mentioned about all the issues we both faced. The inefficiency of the office staffs, the lost sparks and passion in them and that he'd "rather have 10 young workers than those people". Okay.<br />
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I will give this a shot for 6 months. I already feel it's a long way to go. Please, I don't want to cry anymore because I'm slowly remembering the reasons I wanted to leave this place. Having the thought of leaving on your first day, that cannot be a good sign, aite?<br />
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I promise from tomorrow onwards, I will write down one new thing I learn here every single day. That will keep me going for now.<br />
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Oh by the way, my housemates are normal, friendly people. What a blessing.<br />
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Have a good tomorrow, guys. Sleepy potato gotta hit the sack. Nighty night.<br />
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<br />Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2674843136250182040.post-45849510161416500072019-07-28T04:35:00.000+08:002019-07-29T19:20:36.455+08:00Quarter a centuryAssalamualaikum. I am writing a compulsary yearly post of 10th of July. I am now quarter a century old.<br />
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Homies made a sweet celebration for me and a friend who happened to be born on July too. They spread a mat on a sandy beach, brought home-cooked food and two cakes. It was a small gathering of six equipped with lots of laughters. It was perfect.<br />
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Now, serious questions about to flood in. What have I done for the past 25 years? What have I achieved?<br />
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Sadly, I cannot answer those questions now. I am now unemployed, resigned from two jobs and currently just doing part-time tutoring. On top of that, I barely have any savings left.<br />
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I am so afraid. I've tossed worry aside. I am genuinely afraid now. I don't know whether my plans will work out the way it's supposed to be because for the past two months, they didn't. I don't know where have I gone wrong. Oh, wait. I think I know. I wasn't ready. Was I ready?<br />
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I have this feeling, an assurance that things will work out. I often told myself, "I can do this". Honestly, I don't know. I'm afraid that I'd sink in deeper in disappoinment. I am starting to feel like I'm a disappointment, a burden.<br />
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They're calling me back to Klang. I haven't told my parents yet because if I do, they will definitely ask me to go back. I asked a friend earlier today and got two questions to ponder about. First is "do you think you can grow more in that work environment?" Secondly, "is it worth it?"<br />
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Again, honestly, I do not know. They said I'd be responsible for one big task and I get to choose whatever I want to focus on as a complement task. They told me the situation has improved and it wouldn't be as difficult as before.<br />
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If I go back, I am afraid that I'd be moving backwards. I don't know.<br />
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<br />Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2674843136250182040.post-30106130054684916162019-07-01T09:35:00.001+08:002019-07-01T09:35:36.404+08:00May was a total disasterIn the period of one month, I sent two resignation letters to two different companies. Never have I ever dreamed of accepting an offer and letting it go as soon as three weeks. I never regret my decision. <i>"I didn't leave a shithole to enter another,"</i> I monologued.<div>
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The situation there was undescribable. Till now, I do not know how to explain what happened to me and how I was treated there. The details are now as blurry as my view during my teary drive back home from work. They even let me leave in less than 24 hours. Yes, I'm going to write that. </div>
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After I left, a few people still called me. They ranted to me about the issues they faced everyday and how people were sacked too. Of course, they deserved it. But I didn't pick up the latest call; I just think I've had enough and I don't want to hear it anymore.</div>
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Anyway, I still need to write this down here so that I remember. I'm starting to forget it as June passes by. Also, some of the motivational quotes (million thanks to some arseholes) that I should remember are:</div>
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<i>"I can do better than these arseholes"</i></div>
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<i>"You told me that he talked bad about me with you, you think he didn't talked bad about you with me?"</i></div>
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<i>"You've got to be firm"</i></div>
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<i>"I understand your frustration. I am even more frustrated than you."</i></div>
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<i>"The contract is wrong!"</i></div>
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Now, it's already one whole month. I am very grateful my best friends ensure me that I'm going on the right path. I need time. Watch over me, please.</div>
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<i>P/s: Learning a part of your flaws, never once did it lessen the love I have for you. I choose to love you more.</i></div>
Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2674843136250182040.post-16766841482152602892019-05-03T16:05:00.002+08:002019-05-03T16:05:48.728+08:00Final weekIt's my final week in Klang. I stayed here for almost a year and a half. I know I'm going to cry when I leave this place.<br />
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For five days, my boss asked me to stay. He told me that he envisioned me taking over the handling of major stuff in time. "But you have to stay," he said. "It's stable here, almost 20 years in business. After a few months, you can come back. We'll keep your desk. You'll never know what will happen there. Maybe they will close after 6 months." Despite my enraging temper, I smiled at him and muttered "Okay, sir."<br />
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I vowed never to come back. I will not return to this place. I've had it. People can be replaced no matter whatever sweet words the company shower us with. Keep some doubts in and just be honest. However you do it, be bold for yourself.<br />
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I'm going to get over this soon.<br />
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P/s : Looking forward for some challenges now.<br />
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Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2674843136250182040.post-38992708130712626282019-04-29T01:56:00.002+08:002019-04-29T01:56:30.727+08:00How lucky I amI thought for a long time about this. Whose prayer was it that made my wish granted? Who was the one to pray to The Almighty of my well-being? Because you know, I am certain that I managed to land a new job due to some people's prayers.<br />
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Yo guys, I landed a good offer from the latest interview. I told you how determined I was to get a good offer. I did, despite my nervousness. I reminded myself to only speak of the truth and always be honest. Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah.<br />
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So, I'm starting at a new environment soon. I have been patient and I will always have patience. "It is passion that drives you," I told my boss. Unknowingly, tears ran down my cheeks as I was adding "I really have big dreams, sir" at the end of our conversation. That was the time I saw the softest part of him.<br />
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Ever since I was in school, I have heard many people saying I'm good, I did a good job, I have bright future ahead of me, I have potentials; all sorts of those pep talks and inspirational encouragement. I didn't know how to respond properly to those. Every one of those connotes to a single reference; I have to keep up with that expectation.<br />
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It was as if this person, who was saying I have potentials, implied that I will be someone in the future. Then, the nasty questions came in. "What if I don't become someone?" "What if I don't live up to that expectation?" And the worst - "What if they see me as a failure or just a normal person? They expect me to be someone though."<br />
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I cannot describe how hard I tried to get past it and how hard it was for me. I know you have your own issues too but let me rant for myself for a moment. I just want to stroll along my own path, big or small. I am painting it with colours I haven't decided on yet. I want to do yellow on some days, red on some weekends, splash of pastels on others, maybe rainbow on a dull Monday; can't I do just that?<br />
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This went on for years. Sometimes, I'd blame myself for not having the courage and braveness to make a step towards something so I started pushing myself. I pushed myself to certain limits which I didn't realize existed. What happened after was unconciously, either I fell sick or I got disappointed.<br />
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Anyway, I am thrilled that I will be moving back home and starting a new job. Here are the challenges that I ordered. I welcome any with open hands. See how it goes. I will be ready.<br />
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Let's do this for couple of years or more<span style="text-align: center;">, Zuriani. You'll be good. </span><br />
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<i>Cukuplah Allah sebagai pengatur bagiku.</i><br />
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P/s : I think I will write more now.Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2674843136250182040.post-25280243813482433132019-04-13T05:49:00.004+08:002019-04-13T09:05:39.982+08:0016 months laterIt's 3.55 a.m. on an early Friday morning. I've been strugglin<span style="text-align: center;">g to sleep since the past couple of hours. I fell asleep past 9 and woke up right after midnight. Ohh, hey there! Long time no see!</span><br />
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Pardon my absence, would you? It was so hard to continue writing when all I had in thought for the past months was leaving the job. Tonight, I realized how it heavily affected me and the gravity of it changed me as a person.<br />
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One of the changes that made me proud was I managed to stand up for myself. If you hadn't known yet, no one will stand up for you. No matter how close you are to your colleagues, how much you helped each other, trust me, they will not back you up. Everyone is busy attending their own mess and ass. Just so, I learned to be bolder and honest.<br />
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I don't prefer to be reminded of the reasons I cried, fell sick and got stressed out. We can talk (if you want to hear about it) over coffee so we'll leave that out for now ya.<br />
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Anyway, I went to an interview last week. I left the interview feeling mad. As much as I'm fond of the idea of a startup, if I take the job, I'd lose RM600 from my current income. Bullshit. I was angry because I had only one disturbing question on my mind post-interview. Why did they call me knowing the fact that they cannot pay an experienced person well?<br />
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Just so, contentment came along. I am grateful of this job and I'd be a fool if I leave it without getting a better offer. Many people struggle to get a job. I shouldn't take it for granted even though I hate it.<br />
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Last evening, I got a call for another interview. It's next Wednesday and I'd better be prepared because I'm going to get myself a good offer.<br />
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Watch over me please.<br />
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<br />Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2674843136250182040.post-58712491151803926922018-12-20T18:57:00.001+08:002018-12-20T18:57:40.684+08:00I don't like where I am now.<p dir="ltr">I got home from work later than usual. I put down my things and burst into tears. I don't know why I'm still crying now. I really don't like where I am at the moment. I feel I'm just being used by many people. I don't like myself now. How much I fought, I was brought down still. I sounded rude when all I did was to defend myself. I don't like to talk in a bad manner. I don't know how to be a hypocrite. When did I become this weak? Come on, this is me talking. I was never like this before. I feel so lonely as if I'm all alone although I'm not. Maybe. I cannot tolerate this anymore. I hate it so much. I want to go home so badly.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Now I'm getting a headache out of all this. I hate it tremendously.</p>
Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2674843136250182040.post-27748917225860546072018-11-27T22:05:00.001+08:002018-11-27T22:05:29.788+08:00All I Ask<p dir="ltr">Last year, I had a great heartbreak. I was extremely far from family and it was cold. One of my backbones ignored my video calls and voice calls because I know, she was angry at me. But I was so far from home and family meant only two persons that time. </p>
<p dir="ltr">It took me two weeks to open up to them. So I told them and they were speechless. Literally. None came to comfort me or sorts but I definitely understood that as all of us were far from home. We had different issues to handle from far. You see, distance really puts people apart so we do need extra effort to connect.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I listened to All I Ask quite many times back then. I memorized the lyrics so well I sang it almost every few days. I was there for ten weeks. I cried a few times but my most heartbreaking cry was under the covers. I wrote a promise to myself that time that I will not be easily broken anymore.</p>
<p dir="ltr">"If this is my last night with you"</p>
<p dir="ltr">So, my dearest, I can completely understand your sadness. I cannot grasp your situation as I've never been in one. I've never been in love and out of it. I only understand that you are sad but I'd want you to know that this isn't your fault. We make decisions and sometimes those are painful ones. I fully respect any of yours and know that this is life. Just so you need an assurance, I will always be here.</p>
<p dir="ltr">This is totally beyond your control and just believe in Qada' and Qadar. Good things will take place soon. I pray for Allah to ease your sadness, provide you strength and make you happy again.</p>
<p dir="ltr">La tahzan, innallaha ma'ana.</p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1mmWbRidLbFvweQCaVe948j1wqbE3EFsVqd95uA0wFyCj3O9pkj9jafl5Br1z5gwYduo-HPDrfuU_WoPiMLnzAXUNNHDVGcWLqKhgwtoyPTHt_nBcOtYeXMI-KkHfBbl3whMiTIrZOpgA/s1600/20181111_171625.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1mmWbRidLbFvweQCaVe948j1wqbE3EFsVqd95uA0wFyCj3O9pkj9jafl5Br1z5gwYduo-HPDrfuU_WoPiMLnzAXUNNHDVGcWLqKhgwtoyPTHt_nBcOtYeXMI-KkHfBbl3whMiTIrZOpgA/s320/20181111_171625.jpg"> </a> </div>Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2674843136250182040.post-14656778975226961452018-11-15T02:08:00.001+08:002018-11-15T02:19:47.534+08:00Yesterday, I've had enough.<p dir="ltr">Honestly, I've been asked to do various stuff since the past six months. Many of those weren't on the previous deal signed by both parties and I can't say they were on the current deal; I haven't seen and signed any black and white confirmation deal at all. In fact, five months have passed since my so-called confirmation date. Excuses by excuses were given to me and I'm running out of patience and "Okay kak" replies.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I am totally fed up with the overlapping instructions given by different people. They are not my boss but somehow knows what he'll do. I tried to squeeze some conscience in between the instructions but they took out the common sense in me. Most of them lack the Listening Vitamin. Everyone plays the blaming game well. Lies after lies, everything seems to be hanging loosely on a single thread. So unethical. One favourite habit of the people here is using the Big Boss' name to scare staffs and workers. Coward.</p>
<p dir="ltr">"You'll be the one to connect both ends." My ex-colleague told me so before he was sent back to work in his home country. Instead, I'm slowly being sucked into the ever-enlarging blackhole that's already here long before I came. I learned my presence and position was created mainly to cover up the deception of hiring too many foreigners. Only last year they started having difficulties with their visa applications. I am merely a spare part. I have no significance for the first four months and nothing sucked more than that. Not that I have any significance now, they just have another person as the option to put a blame on. "You have both records, you should compare", "If you notice it, why didn't you say anything?", "Three growers here but it's becoming worse". Why should I be doing a manager's job? Why should I be auditing a fellow staff's report? Why must I be the one to count workers' overtime? All my answers to their questions were disregarded. Total bullshit.</p>
<p dir="ltr">As a crisis is occuring, they do best at letting something lie. In this chaos, everyone is talking about other people in their own language and everything is a mess. Deep down I wish all these lies topple down one by one in a domino arrangement with an expected rhythmic sequence.</p>
<p dir="ltr">The point I'm writing this is to remind myself that this is the last rant I'll be making about my first job. I'm sure you have a bad experience with your first job too, regardless of how small. The reasons I'm still here are almost accomplished so I'm going for a different spectrum. I'm leaving before I totally wear out. Hell I'm staying here for long. </p>
<p dir="ltr">My best wishes for you and your job. Please wish me well too.</p>
<p dir="ltr">P/s : Come as you are.</p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5thyphenhyphen6aCqnfqeZaIpfl-8apUIzsf4NVum-1HNLEC0vuPvC5lF1BmwNK1E5-opx3Z342wFGBafup_PtsCXvWe6_RPBcrfvuJAdvRUnILmeGUAIOKqAMbBEhX_a4vxP5RFp9ES1D4PrG3lSD/s1600/20181025_100645.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5thyphenhyphen6aCqnfqeZaIpfl-8apUIzsf4NVum-1HNLEC0vuPvC5lF1BmwNK1E5-opx3Z342wFGBafup_PtsCXvWe6_RPBcrfvuJAdvRUnILmeGUAIOKqAMbBEhX_a4vxP5RFp9ES1D4PrG3lSD/s320/20181025_100645.jpg"> </a> </div>Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2674843136250182040.post-49179570704710154452018-09-23T19:57:00.001+08:002018-09-23T19:57:17.638+08:00A sorrowful sky.<p dir="ltr">I feel so sad today. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I cannot remember the last time I cried this much. Five hours have passed but tears are still pouring out. It's as if someone steps on a flower I've planted with care. I just want to curl up my bed and disregard this. What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong? Am I wrong to harbour a dream? Oh, please tell me what do I do now.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I have such fragile heart indeed. I hate this feeling so much. </p>
Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2674843136250182040.post-66632473219658566922018-08-28T04:26:00.000+08:002018-08-28T04:26:21.906+08:00Often, at timesOften, at times I feel an urge to resume writing. I've left these spaces unattended for far too long. I used to write whenever I had free time and in fact, I managed to free my time to write. Now, I'm losing my dearest passion I had in me since I was in school. It's all due to the dryness I experienced everyday. I was lethargic these past few weeks, barely had any rest during the day. Got back home and slept for a few hours straight. Sometimes, I skipped dinner to only wake up the next morning and redo yesterday. That's why most of the time I wish to have a company, far or near that I can talk or text to. Many times, just resembling a zombie.<br />
<br />
I always have this way of thinking in which youth is a period of life I shouldn't be wasting away, doing things I dislike. I don't want to be working my body off and sooner be struck of the fact that I have repeatedly denied; I'm hating this job. I don't want to be forty and mocking what I do daily, loathing my boss, cursing off mistakes, not getting paid well and dressed like I lack of time and money to. Above all, I don't want to lose all these colours in life. There's got to be more to it.<br />
<br />
Let me put these ideas in ink, on papers so that whatever happens in life, I won't forget these promises I made to myself and my best friends. I just have to find my way through like I always did somehow. Although I didn't get them right all the time but hey, at least I survived.<br />
<br />
Just a list <br />
- cafe in a garden<br />
- a farm, or a few farms<br />
- plant factory<br />
- skirt universe<br />
- flower wall <br />
<br />
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Let's get a holiday and quit not long after. Shall we, Zuriani?Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2674843136250182040.post-29971464826131514062018-07-10T03:38:00.002+08:002018-07-10T03:38:29.513+08:00Hey, it's the 10th of July again.Assalamualaikum.<br />
<br />
Honestly, I have no other things to say here than my work as it involves 80% of my daily activities. Working is a great thing for me as now I have money, saving and no restriction to buy anything that I desire. I have learned the basics of mushroom growing, removing the fact that I knew nothing about this type of farming six months ago. I know I learned a lot. I know I'm capable of planting but to fulfill the sales demand, it's another thing.<br />
<br />
I'm starting to dislike what I do daily. I fairly get a hands-on at growing because there are so many other workers that will do it for you. We don't farm like that here too. Machinery, systems and computers take over the rough jobs and basically, what I need to do is observe and monitor. I don't like observing and monitoring when I cannot have a say in the tasks. <br />
<br />
I guess people change and I change too. I still remember that I entered this field of work with one purpose; to improve myself so that I can eventually help others in agriculture (besides some other purposes that I'd rather keep to myself). I reminded myself from time to time of that purpose. I feel doing this everyday will not get me there. This kind of job in so exclusive you cannot freely expose it to the public. Frankly, there's no training courses whatsoever and I only know of what I've been told. That's training for some here.<br />
<br />
As a minority in my workplace, by minority I mean a local, female, Muslim, Malaysian, or should I put it as the only one, I slowly lose interests to involve in the environment where people are older. I cannot generate abundant fresh ideas like I used to. I feel like a programmed robot with this patterned routine as when a problem arouse, settle it with silence as you cannot do anything about it. Oh, and not to forget, my presence is manipulated by asking me to do other people's jobs.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I can list a hundred more of what I dislike here but then I wouldn't even please myself. So, I've had a sudden thought to do something else. I want to be involved with the world more and have a thoughtful insight of the outside. Sitting in an air-conditioned room all day long makes me a lazier person than I already am. I'm trying my best to convince myself that <i>rezeki</i> is beyond my control and I strongly believe in that so one less thing to worry about.<br />
<br />
On this 24th year of breathing, I am bracing myself to pull together the next decision for my own life. I have promises to fulfill, ideas to unfold, people to meet, places to travel and love to spare.<br />
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Happy contented birthday, Siti Zuriani. </div>
Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2674843136250182040.post-19741562635108727122018-03-31T02:20:00.000+08:002018-03-31T02:24:11.205+08:00This will make me rememberAssalamualaikum.<br />
<br />
It has been a while since my last casual post. I am now working five and a half days per week. I get up around 5.30 every morning, leave from work around 4 in the evening and fall asleep anytime I want because I basically don't have a life, as of now. I've been jogging for a week now as I badly need to change my situation. During weekdays, my social life revolves around the only housemate I talk to because the others just don't talk. On some Wednesday nights, I watch movies with colleagues because it's cheaper on Wednesdays. These are the reasons why I anticipate weekends so much as I get to see <i>real </i>people. To see my family is a must. It's a priority I've been taught to obey. I don't get to see my friends so often these days that I keep missing all those conversation we had.<br />
<br />
Yesterday, I acted as a translator for a manager in my farm <i>(side note: I truly hate it when people here call this place a factory)</i> when she was called by our boss. According to him, it was due to her performance and failure of managing that the cost of production rose. I couldn't translate much because some people had made up their minds on certain issues. More to assumptions and words of mouth, from my perspectives. Putting it simple, people make mistakes. And so, after six years, she resigned.<br />
<br />
<i>Real</i> people I know don't badmouth and back stab each other. <i>Real</i> people don't tell you that you're doing a good job just to please you. <i>Real</i> people don't go around glorifying people's mistakes and bad decisions to others. Tell them what's right, show them how to do it, execute, follow up and don't ever degrade people. <i>Takkan ni pun nak aku ajar. </i><br />
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Yesterday will make me remember to always be good, not talk bad, join people talking bad about others and follow a solid principle in life. <br />
<br />
I am becoming stressed out of the pressure that is slowly reaching me at a ponderous speed. I am only here for three months and not a single day that I have not felt out of place. Whenever I am at somewhere to learn, nothing had been wrong so I am resetting my intention. The Almighty will show me the way.<br />
<br />
I don't regret any decisions I have made. This is my journey. I want to convey it here. Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2674843136250182040.post-87084786154866804652018-02-26T12:44:00.001+08:002018-02-28T18:09:27.036+08:00You have all my love<div dir="ltr">
Of all the moments I had hoped to be beside you, yesterday was the strongest.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
You, my best friend, are the most contented person I have ever known my entire life. I wish for serenity to surround you and grief to reside in the deepest ocean of your heart. Do not forget or even try to. It was a beautiful memory and a heartfelt presence. </div>
<div dir="ltr">
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I have all my love for you; anytime, any circumstances and free of charge for I know more than anything that you would definitely, undoubtedly do the same for me too.</div>
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Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2674843136250182040.post-84512415472232986382018-02-12T17:30:00.001+08:002018-02-12T17:50:31.506+08:00It was just not ours in the first place.<p dir="ltr">It reminds me of the same incident that happened around this time a year ago.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I deeply hoped I won't be hearing the words that brought me fear when I picked up the phone. But no, if it's meant for you, it is meant for you. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Let us be reminded that certain things were not ours in the first place. </p>
<p dir="ltr">And this feeling I have now, to be honest, is bursting from inside. I want and need to talk to someone about it but I am not allowed to. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Therefore Ya Rabb, I depend on You and You only. Please ease our grief.</p>
Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2674843136250182040.post-5792305030219472932018-02-01T23:53:00.001+08:002018-02-01T23:53:32.747+08:00Dua hari lalu Dua hari lalu, kau buatkan aku seakan dilambung-lambung di antara langit dan bumi. Aku seolah-olah terawang-awangan dan langsung aku terbayang-bayang dipermainkan perasaan sendiri. Namun, tidak sedikitpun kau sedar akan kesan dek kata-katamu itu. Malah, kau bangga dengan omong kosong yang kau ucap. Tanpa makna, tiada ketulusan. Pantas aku sedari bahawa aku hanyalah kekosongan yang diisi saat ruang lain sudah dipenuhi. Kini, aku mati akal memikirkan asbab perbuatanmu terhadapku. <br />
<br />
Untuk itu, aku kembali membencimu.Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2674843136250182040.post-24722690499727747882018-01-31T13:27:00.001+08:002018-01-31T13:27:32.089+08:00Okay.<p dir="ltr">An old friend of mine contacted me at noon.<br>
Sang me Surat Cinta untuk Starla while playing the guitar.<br>
Asked how I was doing after these few months not meeting each other.<br>
Told me about an upcoming interview.<br>
At the end of the phone call, I realized I was actually warned not to speak of others.<br>
If someone asks, tell nothing.<br>
Good or bad, news or no news.<br>
Breaks me still.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Let's just remember from now on, no news is good news.</p>
Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2674843136250182040.post-90851392204038037652018-01-16T19:52:00.001+08:002018-01-16T19:53:59.052+08:00Convocation7th November 2017. Two months have passed since my convocation day. It was a bless.<br />
<br />
I am aware that I don't have a beautiful smile. I wore my biggest smile the whole day. I didn't feel nervous to the extend that I couldn't breathe. I was delighted and knowing that my best friends are by my side, I felt happier than usual.<br />
<br />
Waiting for our turn to go up the stage, I saw Masters graduates with the course of Remote Sensing. It came to my senses that I want to be like them. At least, someone who owns a specialty in a certain area. It will come later.<br />
<br />
Also, I've never felt so blessed to be given an opportunity to pursue my studies and eventually obtain a degree. I love my parents so much for all the chances they let me have. For all the expenses, time and effort, I sincerely can never repay them. They let me do whatever I wanted despite losing money. I believe Allah has set a good place in the hereafter for I know they truly deserve it. Let me repay them with kindness and care. <br />
<br />
I can claim that I worked hard for this degree because I know I did. So are my friends.<br />
<br />
Moving on from studies was an awkward period for me. I was used to going to classes, ladang and meeting friends whenever I liked. I liked my social life. It was different then. Everyone had each other and calling one another for a cup of Nescafe and a set of Majuna's roti bakar was never hard as now.<br />
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After all these years, the time has come for us to finally part to our own destiny. No more casual hours of lepak session at Majuna, my most favourite mamak place in the whole world. No more carpooling or hitching to class, ladang or anywhere in the campus. No more reminding each other to come to class, knowing friends are waiting. The past is over. It is a beautiful memory and I will cherish it for the rest of my life. Best age ever.<br />
<br />
I don't have any slight intentions to cut ties with anyone I called friend. Let's continue being friends for decades; till our last breath. Hit me up for a cup of coffee or tea and a conversation to your preference. I'll be there. <br />
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<br />Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2674843136250182040.post-43581675188491260722017-12-12T01:09:00.001+08:002017-12-12T01:09:16.657+08:00The person who supported me all the way<p dir="ltr">Assalamualaikum. </p>
<p dir="ltr">7th December has passed. Three persons close to me were born on this day. Now, I am going to talk about one.</p>
<p dir="ltr">He is different. He has a soft heart. He always reminds me the importance of family relationship although in the past some relatives only looked for him when they needed money. He didn't mind though.</p>
<p dir="ltr">He teaches me English in the most indirect way. I listened to him talking to his friends in English and I wondered, how can I ever acquire his fluency and vocabulary? I hope it runs in the blood.</p>
<p dir="ltr">He provides endless support. He wants me to acknowledge where I stand and not lower my standards. This is the one thing I recently learnt about him. </p>
<p dir="ltr">He is the critique. He may be bold, too bold at times to leave me teary but God knows he only demands the best.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I love him deeply half a century apart.</p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnb5Ar62vSIbjlva6IA6YWJhPlWW40MsujuplmMeJNxlybd-O_kmnlss8jP5yQJlMvEVRIj20BbVs3zj-RhN4x3fSH8XDWRhtVwsB24_B1bqMOaIPdt9Vn9-FQgjBachusJv5tO1da5Siz/s1600/IMG-20171209-WA0002.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnb5Ar62vSIbjlva6IA6YWJhPlWW40MsujuplmMeJNxlybd-O_kmnlss8jP5yQJlMvEVRIj20BbVs3zj-RhN4x3fSH8XDWRhtVwsB24_B1bqMOaIPdt9Vn9-FQgjBachusJv5tO1da5Siz/s320/IMG-20171209-WA0002.jpg"> </a> </div>Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2674843136250182040.post-23068331421344341642017-11-08T22:54:00.001+08:002017-11-08T22:54:55.845+08:00Worst breakdown yetIt came to my mind today that I am experiencing the worst breakdown I've ever had in my life yet. I have been crying on and off for five days but today, it comes with a full package of mental and physical breakdown.<br />
<br />
A lot has been going on this week. I graduated yesterday. That will be in another post. I got a job offer today which has been pending for the last three to four weeks I thought I didn't get called. I feel so confused whether to accept or reject but after a long emotional talk with my mother, I have my mind decided. I don't want anyone to be upset including me. It's just that I am so bad at evaluating.<br />
<br />
Come on. Tomorrow I will be better than yesterday. I promise. <br />
<br />
Other than that, the past few days have taught me not to put high hopes in people. I was disappointed, furious and somewhat devastated. I felt betrayed and I know more than anybody else that it's only me who felt this way.<br />
<br />
This time, I am enraged at some people who happened to get a better opportunity than me. I will remember their faces when they looked down on me. Do me a favour and keep your rudeness to yourself. You looked dumb when you let it out. You are in no position to judge me despite the fact that we're friends. How disrespectful.<br />
<br />
One day, you're going to regret you once disdained me. You wait.Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2674843136250182040.post-32893076117285564292017-10-27T21:00:00.001+08:002017-10-27T21:00:01.815+08:00Brace<p dir="ltr">Assalamualaikum and hi there. I hope you're doing great.</p>
<p dir="ltr">To start off, I actually have a bunch of friends who happen to be concerned of me not working at the moment. Aside from family, I mean. In a good way, I'm glad. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I'll be having my convocation in two weeks. I know I'll finish degree eventually but I didn't realised it would come this soon. Degree life is great. Enjoyed every bit of it. I miss going to classes, field and everything. After four years, I still love the fact that I got to learn something very different from what I was taught in school. I remember those small parts where I was silly in front of my crush, happily learning something new, dumb during exams, sad for my project and loved by friends. I would never ask for another chance to repeat because this memory alone is enough for me to cherish all my life. </p>
<p dir="ltr">A year ago, I would have think that I've passed the learning stage of my life at this moment. However, the presence is not as it seemed a year ago. In fact, I feel I know very little of what I was taught. Or it is just me? Realising this is what makes me quite nervous to make a move forward. But I've got to push myself through, I suppose? No, no one's dragging me to where I don't belong.</p>
<p dir="ltr">That's why I always told me friends before that you will never realise how much you are changing in a year. Going through internship, meeting people and bracing yourself are the small disregarded success you have made unconsciously. You have my respect for those, friends. </p>
<p dir="ltr">In spite of that, I'm about to do something many refer to as 'ridiculous'. The last time someone said 'ridiculous' to me (and it hurt me a lot forgod sake haha) was when I decided to intern at the Emerald Isle. Yet, went there, came back.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I can challenge myself again. I'm ready to brace myself. Though I'm anxious, I just need some support. Come along, would you?<br>
<br>
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P/s: Hey, as you're reading this, I hope you take care of yourself well. I couldn't be there for you all the time; I have my priorities and so do you. As I'm wishing success upon you, I would love if you could do the same for me too. See you when I see you. </p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuRO-ohT9K9jPxqX5Omz2o-OhlWVaoH-8b-mQxGHcqZ96dg5SCxAl_ejN0P3c5QrJikWsMdM4_W2JPGc16Rlhl2XYgnnQh4CfMVDBjeHPATl4HkKkpi3FOzudryBP9o0I2I9la_3sL6yTN/s1600/20171013_105924.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuRO-ohT9K9jPxqX5Omz2o-OhlWVaoH-8b-mQxGHcqZ96dg5SCxAl_ejN0P3c5QrJikWsMdM4_W2JPGc16Rlhl2XYgnnQh4CfMVDBjeHPATl4HkKkpi3FOzudryBP9o0I2I9la_3sL6yTN/s320/20171013_105924.jpg"> </a> </div>Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2674843136250182040.post-80818967698782360842017-10-04T09:00:00.001+08:002017-10-04T09:00:51.425+08:00At 23<p dir="ltr">Assalamualaikum.</p>
<p dir="ltr">During these few months, I can say that I actually am starting to figure out what I want to do with my life but, I am losing it tonight. I feel lost and the path that I'd want to walk through seems blurry. I thought I had this in my mind these few weeks. A single touch from outside made me rethink of my life all over again.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Why? </p>
<p dir="ltr">There are times when people urge and limit you to grow. These people, despite the fact that they don't know you well, think that they know you. They think you can do what they asked you to. But the more important point is, they think you want to do what they asked you to. Giving you not a chance to say no, you had to agree because you haven't quite mastered the skill to refuse (which you had for a while back then). And the blame is on you.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I once grasped the true meaning of "You and I are not the same". I am praying so hard that I won't let go of this sentence. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Also today, I feel deeply disappointed in an old friend whom I looked upon. You're not so great after all. It happened when your actions were contrary with your words. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I should sleep now. I am having backache, stomachache and sorethroat for 2 days already.</p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUiAvo80z4SJ85rowaFPCNj51Z29FFu2atEMHTVhqE96jrMBGu_Vn5PKhGr8BSAeU94IbXsWw9XNfb0-oHenRXEqdZ0_EGVWAKwzWXRCeVZH2PzcyTQM-kfXmqiD6PF57rQs52OyRy2Pjq/s1600/20170927_102953.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUiAvo80z4SJ85rowaFPCNj51Z29FFu2atEMHTVhqE96jrMBGu_Vn5PKhGr8BSAeU94IbXsWw9XNfb0-oHenRXEqdZ0_EGVWAKwzWXRCeVZH2PzcyTQM-kfXmqiD6PF57rQs52OyRy2Pjq/s320/20170927_102953.jpg"> </a> </div>Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2674843136250182040.post-61832781940404387742017-09-15T01:26:00.001+08:002017-09-20T18:54:23.170+08:00Untuk malam ini sahaja #9<div dir="ltr">
Benarkan aku berbicara<br />
Untuk malam ini sahaja.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Malam ini<br />
Biarlah walau kata-kataku hanya helah untukku menyampaikan prosa<br />
Yang aku atur susunannya agar tidakku dipersoal<br />
Tentang kemuliaan dan hak ideaku.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Taulan,<br />
Malam ini<br />
Kau dan aku punya satu perasaan yang serupa<br />
Tetapi jangan kita khuatir<br />
Terhadap suatu baris kata yang kita bina<br />
Lengkap bersaksikan gambaran impian dan harapan<br />
Dalam hati-hati kita.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Malam ini<br />
Aku suka kau dan aku masih seperti dulu<br />
Kau masih releven dengan bicaraku<br />
Dan aku masih mengiyakan kata-katamu<br />
Namun kita langsung tidak tersekat pada masa lalu.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Taulan,<br />
Malam ini<br />
Izinkan aku mengatakan sejujurnya<br />
Bahawa aku sudah langsung lupa tentang kegagalanku<br />
Kerana aku lebih daripada tahu<br />
Kau enggan memperingatkanku akan duka lalu.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Sizurya,</div>
<div dir="ltr">
Seremban, </div>
<div dir="ltr">
15 September 2017. </div>
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</div>
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</div>
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P/s : Mungkin siri #10 adalah antara yang istimewa. Kita nantikan apa yang bakal jari-jemariku terjemahkan.</div>
Yanie Zakariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14606921907900528538noreply@blogger.com0