Quarter a century

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Assalamualaikum. I am writing a compulsary yearly post of 10th of July. I am now quarter a century old.

Homies made a sweet celebration for me and a friend who happened to be born on July too. They spread a mat on a sandy beach, brought home-cooked food and two cakes. It was a small gathering of six equipped with lots of laughters. It was perfect.

Now, serious questions about to flood in. What have I done for the past 25 years? What have I achieved?

Sadly, I cannot answer those questions now. I am now unemployed, resigned from two jobs and currently just doing part-time tutoring. On top of that, I barely have any savings left.

I am so afraid. I've tossed worry aside. I am genuinely afraid now. I don't know whether my plans will work out the way it's supposed to be because for the past two months, they didn't. I don't know where have I gone wrong. Oh, wait. I think I know. I wasn't ready. Was I ready?

I have this feeling, an assurance that things will work out. I often told myself, "I can do this". Honestly, I don't know. I'm afraid that I'd sink in deeper in disappoinment. I am starting to feel like I'm a disappointment, a burden.

They're calling me back to Klang. I haven't told my parents yet because if I do, they will definitely ask me to go back. I asked a friend earlier today and got two questions to ponder about. First is "do you think you can grow more in that work environment?" Secondly, "is it worth it?"

Again, honestly, I do not know. They said I'd be responsible for one big task and I get to choose whatever I want to focus on as a complement task. They told me the situation has improved and it wouldn't be as difficult as before.

If I go back, I am afraid that I'd be moving backwards. I don't know.


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