Mencari Katarsis

Today, I finally noticed something. Actually, someone and some people. I'd like to make this post short so here is a list of things I noticed today at last. 1. Someone had been trying hard to get my attention since a few months ago. 2. Some gestures and talks are hard for me to understand, especially when they are shadowed by emojis. 3. If I don't make a step, I might not get something or someone. Simple. 4. I finally understand why some relationships couldn't connect. There is no spark. 5. We can casually talk about missing each other but there is always a thin line that separates the friendship boundary.  6. As a person who was given too much hints, I am on the shallow side. 7. As a person giving quite many hints, I am on the afraid-I-might-get-hurt side. 8. I used to catch up quickly but as I recently put on my ignorant attitude as a shield, I don't focus on complicated stuff. 9. I still haven't totally figured myself out. 10. My self esteem...

I went back to Klang. Today is my first day. "First day blues," my father said. 3 months ago I was always avoiding the question of whether I wanted to come back. I thought of this as the last resort. Indeed, this is it and I couldn't deny that I need the money. I couldn't contribute financially to the house so I tried contributing in a different way. Tiring but home is where the heart is. So, on my first day, the first few hours were inviting. I started worrying if I was making a wrong decision by coming back. I had breakfast with the office staffs. They knew I was coming. Some of them kept on bantering about some trouble they were having with the regulations and some were just showing attitude. Come on, it was only my first day. I talked to my boss later on. He asked me if I had already signed my contract in which I said the HR apparently was still waiting for approval. As expected of her. He then mentioned about all the issues we both faced. The inefficiency o...

Assalamualaikum. I am writing a compulsary yearly post of 10th of July. I am now quarter a century old. Homies made a sweet celebration for me and a friend who happened to be born on July too. They spread a mat on a sandy beach, brought home-cooked food and two cakes. It was a small gathering of six equipped with lots of laughters. It was perfect. Now, serious questions about to flood in. What have I done for the past 25 years? What have I achieved? Sadly, I cannot answer those questions now. I am now unemployed, resigned from two jobs and currently just doing part-time tutoring. On top of that, I barely have any savings left. I am so afraid. I've tossed worry aside. I am genuinely afraid now. I don't know whether my plans will work out the way it's supposed to be because for the past two months, they didn't. I don't know where have I gone wrong. Oh, wait. I think I know. I wasn't ready. Was I ready? I have this feeling, an assurance that things will w...

In the period of one month, I sent two resignation letters to two different companies. Never have I ever dreamed of accepting an offer and letting it go as soon as three weeks. I never regret my decision. "I didn't leave a shithole to enter another," I monologued. The situation there was undescribable. Till now, I do not know how to explain what happened to me and how I was treated there. The details are now as blurry as my view during my teary drive back home from work. They even let me leave in less than 24 hours. Yes, I'm going to write that.  After I left, a few people still called me. They ranted to me about the issues they faced everyday and how people were sacked too. Of course, they deserved it. But I didn't pick up the latest call; I just think I've had enough and I don't want to hear it anymore. Anyway, I still need to write this down here so that I remember. I'm starting to forget it as June passes by. Also, some of the motivatio...

I thought for a long time about this. Whose prayer was it that made my wish granted? Who was the one to pray to The Almighty of my well-being? Because you know, I am certain that I managed to land a new job due to some people's prayers. Yo guys, I landed a good offer from the latest interview. I told you how determined I was to get a good offer. I did, despite my nervousness. I reminded myself to only speak of the truth and always be honest. Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. So, I'm starting at a new environment soon. I have been patient and I will always have patience. "It is passion that drives you," I told my boss. Unknowingly, tears ran down my cheeks as I was adding "I really have big dreams, sir" at the end of our conversation. That was the time I saw the softest part of him. Ever since I was in school, I have heard many people saying I'm good, I did a good job, I have bright future ahead of me, I have potentials; all sorts of those pep talks and...

It's 3.55 a.m. on an early Friday morning. I've been strugglin g to sleep since the past couple of hours. I fell asleep past 9 and woke up right after midnight. Ohh, hey there! Long time no see! Pardon my absence, would you? It was so hard to continue writing when all I had in thought for the past months was leaving the job. Tonight, I realized how it heavily affected me and the gravity of it changed me as a person. One of the changes that made me proud was I managed to stand up for myself. If you hadn't known yet, no one will stand up for you. No matter how close you are to your colleagues, how much you helped each other, trust me, they will not back you up. Everyone is busy attending their own mess and ass. Just so, I learned to be bolder and honest. I don't prefer to be reminded of the reasons I cried, fell sick and got stressed out. We can talk (if you want to hear about it) over coffee so we'll leave that out for now ya. Anyway, I went to an interview l...

Last year, I had a great heartbreak. I was extremely far from family and it was cold. One of my backbones ignored my video calls and voice calls because I know, she was angry at me. But I was so far from home and family meant only two persons that time. It took me two weeks to open up to them. So I told them and they were speechless. Literally. None came to comfort me or sorts but I definitely understood that as all of us were far from home. We had different issues to handle from far. You see, distance really puts people apart so we do need extra effort to connect. I listened to All I Ask quite many times back then. I memorized the lyrics so well I sang it almost every few days. I was there for ten weeks. I cried a few times but my most heartbreaking cry was under the covers. I wrote a promise to myself that time that I will not be easily broken anymore. "If this is my last night with you" So, my dearest, I can completely understand your sadness. I cannot grasp your situa...

Honestly, I've been asked to do various stuff since the past six months. Many of those weren't on the previous deal signed by both parties and I can't say they were on the current deal; I haven't seen and signed any black and white confirmation deal at all. In fact, five months have passed since my so-called confirmation date. Excuses by excuses were given to me and I'm running out of patience and "Okay kak" replies. I am totally fed up with the overlapping instructions given by different people. They are not my boss but somehow knows what he'll do. I tried to squeeze some conscience in between the instructions but they took out the common sense in me. Most of them lack the Listening Vitamin. Everyone plays the blaming game well. Lies after lies, everything seems to be hanging loosely on a single thread. So unethical. One favourite habit of the people here is using the Big Boss' name to scare staffs and workers. Coward. "You'll be the on...

Assalamualaikum. Honestly, I have no other things to say here than my work as it involves 80% of my daily activities. Working is a great thing for me as now I have money, saving and no restriction to buy anything that I desire. I have learned the basics of mushroom growing, removing the fact that I knew nothing about this type of farming six months ago. I know I learned a lot. I know I'm capable of planting but to fulfill the sales demand, it's another thing. I'm starting to dislike what I do daily. I fairly get a hands-on at growing because there are so many other workers that will do it for you. We don't farm like that here too. Machinery, systems and computers take over the rough jobs and basically, what I need to do is observe and monitor. I don't like observing and monitoring when I cannot have a say in the tasks. I guess people change and I change too. I still remember that I entered this field of work with one purpose; to improve myself so that I can ev...

Assalamualaikum. It has been a while since my last casual post. I am now working five and a half days per week. I get up around 5.30 every morning, leave from work around 4 in the evening and fall asleep anytime I want because I basically don't have a life, as of now. I've been jogging for a week now as I badly need to change my situation. During weekdays, my social life revolves around the only housemate I talk to because the others just don't talk. On some Wednesday nights, I watch movies with colleagues because it's cheaper on Wednesdays. These are the reasons why I anticipate weekends so much as I get to see real people. To see my family is a must. It's a priority I've been taught to obey. I don't get to see my friends so often these days that I keep missing all those conversation we had. Yesterday, I acted as a translator for a manager in my farm (side note: I truly hate it when people here call this place a factory) when she was called by our boss...

It came to my mind today that I am experiencing the worst breakdown I've ever had in my life yet. I have been crying on and off for five days but today, it comes with a full package of mental and physical breakdown. A lot has been going on this week. I graduated yesterday. That will be in another post. I got a job offer today which has been pending for the last three to four weeks I thought I didn't get called. I feel so confused whether to accept or reject but after a long emotional talk with my mother, I have my mind decided. I don't want anyone to be upset including me. It's just that I am so bad at evaluating. Come on. Tomorrow I will be better than yesterday. I promise. Other than that, the past few days have taught me not to put high hopes in people. I was disappointed, furious and somewhat devastated. I felt betrayed and I know more than anybody else that it's only me who felt this way. This time, I am enraged at some people who happened to get a bett...

Assalamualaikum and hi there. I hope you're doing great. To start off, I actually have a bunch of friends who happen to be concerned of me not working at the moment. Aside from family, I mean. In a good way, I'm glad. I'll be having my convocation in two weeks. I know I'll finish degree eventually but I didn't realised it would come this soon. Degree life is great. Enjoyed every bit of it. I miss going to classes, field and everything. After four years, I still love the fact that I got to learn something very different from what I was taught in school. I remember those small parts where I was silly in front of my crush, happily learning something new, dumb during exams, sad for my project and loved by friends. I would never ask for another chance to repeat because this memory alone is enough for me to cherish all my life. A year ago, I would have think that I've passed the learning stage of my life at this moment. However, the presence is not as it seemed a y...

Assalamualaikum. During these few months, I can say that I actually am starting to figure out what I want to do with my life but, I am losing it tonight. I feel lost and the path that I'd want to walk through seems blurry. I thought I had this in my mind these few weeks. A single touch from outside made me rethink of my life all over again. Why? There are times when people urge and limit you to grow. These people, despite the fact that they don't know you well, think that they know you. They think you can do what they asked you to. But the more important point is, they think you want to do what they asked you to. Giving you not a chance to say no, you had to agree because you haven't quite mastered the skill to refuse (which you had for a while back then). And the blame is on you. I once grasped the true meaning of "You and I are not the same". I am praying so hard that I won't let go of this sentence. Also today, I feel deeply disappointed in an old frie...

Assalamualaikum. It is the 1st of September. I've presented my internship report two weeks ago, finished my internship a month ago, came back from Ireland four months ago, ended my last semester 7 months ago and it all seems like ages have passed. Since I'm mostly alone nowadays, I have been thinking quite a lot. For instance, when have I not been thinking? I've been thinking of what I want to really do. Dozens of ideas circulate my mind till this moment. One moment I'd like to become this, the next I feel I'm incapable and suddenly I don't feel like doing anything. Should I have these uncertainties at this age? Or shouldn't I? Once I dm-ed QJ a question that went "How do you know you wanted to do what you're doing now?". He replied "I didn't. My life is full of trials and errors." I haven't got the chance to really put all these ideas and thoughts into words; to start holding a pen and scratch on paper. Maybe it is just m...

Assalamualaikum.   I have started writing this post exactly a month ago. The only reason I'm writing this beforehand is so that I will remember to put in whatever I want here. After all, I won't get to write as much as I want after this. I will surely make myself busy. I want to live like there's no tomorrow.  Today is my 23rd birthday. I have never felt more alive and human than I do now. At 22, I experienced myself being insane, bold, clumsy and wise all at the same time. I am glad that I feel content now. 2017 is a year that taught me all the lessons I'll be needing in life summed up is a phrase; be wise. My life has been great and blessed. I love my family and friends very much that I wouldn't risk doing stupid things to lose them.  Love, in the other hand, still remains a mystery at 23. My time will ultimately come. Awaiting with patience surely doesn't kill me. No mistakes can be undone. In order to fix one, a lot of effort is required. That...

Love is something that can never be expressed directly from mouth to mouth. Either you feel or you experience it. Family, along the way supplies you with endless love you can never run out of. No matter what your family condition is, remember if you still have someone to call family, act like one. Anyway, this Aidilfitri was the kind that brought me much happiness. I don't know why but I feel content now. I really miss some friends now. "Kalau rindu, whatsapp lah," someone said. I know they might be busy and I might be disturbing so, maybe later. I'm sending a 'Missing You' signal through telepathy. Haha. I wish you happiness too. Whoever you are, you truly deserve a shot of joy. "Bersyukurlah kerana mungkin kita bahagia disebabkan doa orang sekeliling," kata seorang sahabat.

Assalamualaikum. How is Ramadan going for you? Is it tiresome? Do you feel blessed? If you still find yourself stucked in between the meanings of Ramadan and contentment, don't worry. We're in the same boat, dear. To this day, I slowly feel that I, somehow alone have to push myself to the limit. I've thoroughly understand long ago that no one is going to carry neither me nor my load. I hope the people around me feel the same but nope, they don't. I am tired of trying to please people. I am, really. At some point, I feel so lonely here. Therefore, from July 10th onwards, I will 1. Stop pleasing people that do not deserve my attention. 2. Look in front of me carefully before making any move. 3. Obtain my parents' blessings in whatever I decide to do in the future. 4. Talk directly but never carelessly. 5. Always open myself to subjectivity but never to any hypothetical judgment. 6. Be bolder and have a clearer standpoint. 7. Find love in every single thing ...

Assalamualaikum. Currently, I'm a full-time intern at Labis, Johor. Sometimes, I barely got time to rest. The surroundings here was welcoming at first but as we went week by week, I sincerely hope this phase would end faster. I came here with a thought that I could challenge myself. Be it social interaction to work ethics. I know I could learn much here. What I didn't expect was the working environment. It's frustrating when you're still working at night and meddling with discussions that put you in an inferior situation. You're not in the position to question some things but when you do, no one wants to listen. How downgraded are interns, especially when you looked like you don't know a thing. Working with different types of people can really broaden your views. It's confusing at times but most of the time, you have no choice but to follow orders even though they are wrongly made. You have no voice in the decision-making stage at all. That happens when y...

Assalamualaikum. As I'm reaching 23, I now finally acknowledge myself as a traveller. I am a traveller of the world. Just listing out a few countries I've been to : - Arab Saudi (Mekah & Madinah), 2004 - Indonesia (Bukit Tinggi), 2012 - Cambodia (Pursat & Phnom Penh), 2013 - Japan (Tokyo, Kawaba, Asakusa & Shibuya), 2015 - Hong Kong (at least 2 hours of flight transit), 2017 - United Kingdom (London for 28 hours but I'll say the amazing 28 hours), 2017 - Ireland, 2017 My passport is an incredible album of my journey. Stamped somewhere in there were the moments of my life. If the incident that I almost went to China alone for a conference in 2016 had happened, then another one would be on that list. This is another story not worth being told due to the ignorance of the educational institute. I cannot say that I am not proud of myself for Ireland. I am proud of myself because I had the courage, took all the effort and went bravely. Despite all, I went....

Assalamualaikum. It has been a while since I wrote about things happening in my surroundings. You see, I was busy living. So as I'm writing now, I'm a bit distracted from life. It's April 12th, half past nine in the evening. I'm living with three old friends and two new friends. This is family, currently. I regard this bunch as family. I'll be back in 18 days. You see. People can get so honest when you know them very well. When you know others well, you'll just find out the very honest side of them. And little did you realise that you're exposing your innerself to them too. Some just ignore, disregard and reject what others think of them. I understand that is just their way but you see (again), try to be conscious. A little, at least. Take what you can, leave what you can't. It won't kill you to do so. It's stupid when others have to bear their ears and listen to the bad things people say about you and not say them to you directly because the...