Mencari Katarsis

Assalamualaikum. 7th December has passed. Three persons close to me were born on this day. Now, I am going to talk about one. He is different. He has a soft heart. He always reminds me the importance of family relationship although in the past some relatives only looked for him when they needed money. He didn't mind though. He teaches me English in the most indirect way. I listened to him talking to his friends in English and I wondered, how can I ever acquire his fluency and vocabulary? I hope it runs in the blood. He provides endless support. He wants me to acknowledge where I stand and not lower my standards. This is the one thing I recently learnt about him. He is the critique. He may be bold, too bold at times to leave me teary but God knows he only demands the best. I love him deeply half a century apart.

It came to my mind today that I am experiencing the worst breakdown I've ever had in my life yet. I have been crying on and off for five days but today, it comes with a full package of mental and physical breakdown. A lot has been going on this week. I graduated yesterday. That will be in another post. I got a job offer today which has been pending for the last three to four weeks I thought I didn't get called. I feel so confused whether to accept or reject but after a long emotional talk with my mother, I have my mind decided. I don't want anyone to be upset including me. It's just that I am so bad at evaluating. Come on. Tomorrow I will be better than yesterday. I promise. Other than that, the past few days have taught me not to put high hopes in people. I was disappointed, furious and somewhat devastated. I felt betrayed and I know more than anybody else that it's only me who felt this way. This time, I am enraged at some people who happened to get a bett...

Assalamualaikum and hi there. I hope you're doing great. To start off, I actually have a bunch of friends who happen to be concerned of me not working at the moment. Aside from family, I mean. In a good way, I'm glad. I'll be having my convocation in two weeks. I know I'll finish degree eventually but I didn't realised it would come this soon. Degree life is great. Enjoyed every bit of it. I miss going to classes, field and everything. After four years, I still love the fact that I got to learn something very different from what I was taught in school. I remember those small parts where I was silly in front of my crush, happily learning something new, dumb during exams, sad for my project and loved by friends. I would never ask for another chance to repeat because this memory alone is enough for me to cherish all my life. A year ago, I would have think that I've passed the learning stage of my life at this moment. However, the presence is not as it seemed a y...

Assalamualaikum. During these few months, I can say that I actually am starting to figure out what I want to do with my life but, I am losing it tonight. I feel lost and the path that I'd want to walk through seems blurry. I thought I had this in my mind these few weeks. A single touch from outside made me rethink of my life all over again. Why? There are times when people urge and limit you to grow. These people, despite the fact that they don't know you well, think that they know you. They think you can do what they asked you to. But the more important point is, they think you want to do what they asked you to. Giving you not a chance to say no, you had to agree because you haven't quite mastered the skill to refuse (which you had for a while back then). And the blame is on you. I once grasped the true meaning of "You and I are not the same". I am praying so hard that I won't let go of this sentence. Also today, I feel deeply disappointed in an old frie...

Benarkan aku berbicara Untuk malam ini sahaja. Malam ini Biarlah walau kata-kataku hanya helah untukku menyampaikan prosa Yang aku atur susunannya agar tidakku dipersoal Tentang kemuliaan dan hak ideaku. Taulan, Malam ini Kau dan aku punya satu perasaan yang serupa Tetapi jangan kita khuatir Terhadap suatu baris kata yang kita bina Lengkap bersaksikan gambaran impian dan harapan Dalam hati-hati kita. Malam ini Aku suka kau dan aku masih seperti dulu Kau masih releven dengan bicaraku Dan aku masih mengiyakan kata-katamu Namun kita langsung tidak tersekat pada masa lalu. Taulan, Malam ini Izinkan aku mengatakan sejujurnya Bahawa aku sudah langsung lupa tentang kegagalanku Kerana aku lebih daripada tahu Kau enggan memperingatkanku akan duka lalu. Sizurya, Seremban, 15 September 2017.     P/s : Mungkin siri #10 adalah antara yang istimewa. Kita nantikan apa yang bakal jari-jemariku terjemahkan.

Assalamualaikum. It is the 1st of September. I've presented my internship report two weeks ago, finished my internship a month ago, came back from Ireland four months ago, ended my last semester 7 months ago and it all seems like ages have passed. Since I'm mostly alone nowadays, I have been thinking quite a lot. For instance, when have I not been thinking? I've been thinking of what I want to really do. Dozens of ideas circulate my mind till this moment. One moment I'd like to become this, the next I feel I'm incapable and suddenly I don't feel like doing anything. Should I have these uncertainties at this age? Or shouldn't I? Once I dm-ed QJ a question that went "How do you know you wanted to do what you're doing now?". He replied "I didn't. My life is full of trials and errors." I haven't got the chance to really put all these ideas and thoughts into words; to start holding a pen and scratch on paper. Maybe it is just m...

Today is your birthday, Homie. I have known you for a very long time. No matter what our age is and will be, minus it by 6. That's how long you've been in my life. Personally, I deeply wish you'd be in my life forever. Before, I was someone who has low confidence and honestly, I looked up to you in gaining this much confidence to face people. You have that I-really-don't-give-a-damn mindset; I hope you practice it all the time. Don't mind toxic people. I know you more than them. Please stay healthy. I worry about you but I know you'll keep it together. I really hope you'll eventually get rid of your insecurities. Don't be scared. You are strong enough to face this again. I always love you, Na.