Sunday, September 23, 2018

A sorrowful sky.

I feel so sad today.

I cannot remember the last time I cried this much. Five hours have passed but tears are still pouring out. It's as if someone steps on a flower I've planted with care. I just want to curl up my bed and disregard this. What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong? Am I wrong to harbour a dream? Oh, please tell me what do I do now.

I have such fragile heart indeed. I hate this feeling so much.

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Often, at times

Often, at times I feel an urge to resume writing. I've left these spaces unattended for far too long. I used to write whenever I had free time and in fact, I managed to free my time to write. Now, I'm losing my dearest passion I had in me since I was in school. It's all due to the dryness I experienced everyday. I was lethargic these past few weeks, barely had any rest during the day. Got back home and slept for a few hours straight. Sometimes, I skipped dinner to only wake up the next morning and redo yesterday. That's why most of the time I wish to have a company, far or near that I can talk or text to. Many times, just resembling a zombie.

I always have this way of thinking in which youth is a period of life I shouldn't be wasting away, doing things I dislike. I don't want to be working my body off and sooner be struck of the fact that I have repeatedly denied; I'm hating this job. I don't want to be forty and mocking what I do daily, loathing my boss, cursing off mistakes, not getting paid well and dressed like I lack of time and money to. Above all, I don't want to lose all these colours in life. There's got to be more to it.

Let me put these ideas in ink, on papers so that whatever happens in life, I won't forget these promises I made to myself and my best friends. I just have to find my way through like I always did somehow. Although I didn't get them right all the time but hey, at least I survived.

Just a list
- cafe in a garden
- a farm, or a few farms
- plant factory
- skirt universe
- flower wall



Let's get a holiday and quit not long after. Shall we, Zuriani?

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Hey, it's the 10th of July again.

Assalamualaikum.

Honestly, I have no other things to say here than my work as it involves 80% of my daily activities. Working is a great thing for me as now I have money, saving and no restriction to buy anything that I desire. I have learned the basics of mushroom growing, removing the fact that I knew nothing about this type of farming six months ago. I know I learned a lot. I know I'm capable of planting but to fulfill the sales demand, it's another thing.

I'm starting to dislike what I do daily. I fairly get a hands-on at growing because there are so many other workers that will do it for you. We don't farm like that here too. Machinery, systems and computers take over the rough jobs and basically, what I need to do is observe and monitor. I don't like observing and monitoring when I cannot have a say in the tasks.

I guess people change and I change too. I still remember that I entered this field of work with one purpose; to improve myself so that I can eventually help others in agriculture (besides some other purposes that I'd rather keep to myself). I reminded myself from time to time of that purpose. I feel doing this everyday will not get me there. This kind of job in so exclusive you cannot freely expose it to the public. Frankly, there's no training courses whatsoever and I only know of what I've been told. That's training for some here.

As a minority in my workplace, by minority I mean a local, female, Muslim, Malaysian, or should I put it as the only one, I slowly lose interests to involve in the environment where people are older. I cannot generate abundant fresh ideas like I used to. I feel like a programmed robot with this patterned routine as when a problem arouse, settle it with silence as you cannot do anything about it. Oh, and not to forget, my presence is manipulated by asking me to do other people's jobs.

Anyway, I can list a hundred more of what I dislike here but then I wouldn't even please myself. So, I've had a sudden thought to do something else. I want to be involved with the world more and have a thoughtful insight of the outside. Sitting in an air-conditioned room all day long makes me a lazier person than I already am. I'm trying my best to convince myself that rezeki is beyond my control and I strongly believe in that so one less thing to worry about.

On this 24th year of breathing, I am bracing myself to pull together the next decision for my own life. I have promises to fulfill, ideas to unfold, people to meet, places to travel and love to spare.


Happy contented birthday, Siti Zuriani.

Saturday, March 31, 2018

This will make me remember

Assalamualaikum.

It has been a while since my last casual post. I am now working five and a half days per week. I get up around 5.30 every morning, leave from work around 4 in the evening and fall asleep anytime I want because I basically don't have a life, as of now. I've been jogging for a week now as I badly need to change my situation. During weekdays, my social life revolves around the only housemate I talk to because the others just don't talk. On some Wednesday nights, I watch movies with colleagues because it's cheaper on Wednesdays. These are the reasons why I anticipate weekends so much as I get to see real people. To see my family is a must. It's a priority I've been taught to obey. I don't get to see my friends so often these days that I keep missing all those conversation we had.

Yesterday, I acted as a translator for a manager in my farm (side note: I truly hate it when people here call this place a factory) when she was called by our boss. According to him, it was due to her performance and failure of managing that the cost of production rose. I couldn't translate much because some people had made up their minds on certain issues. More to assumptions and words of mouth, from my perspectives. Putting it simple, people make mistakes. And so, after six years, she resigned.

Real people I know don't badmouth and back stab each other. Real people don't tell you that you're doing a good job just to please you. Real people don't go around glorifying people's mistakes and bad decisions to others. Tell them what's right, show them how to do it, execute, follow up and don't ever degrade people. Takkan ni pun nak aku ajar. 

Yesterday will make me remember to always be good, not talk bad, join people talking bad about others and follow a solid principle in life.

I am becoming stressed out of the pressure that is slowly reaching me at a ponderous speed. I am only here for three months and not a single day that I have not felt out of place. Whenever I am at somewhere to learn, nothing had been wrong so I am resetting my intention. The Almighty will show me the way.

I don't regret any decisions I have made. This is my journey. I want to convey it here.