Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Worst breakdown yet

It came to my mind today that I am experiencing the worst breakdown I've ever had in my life yet. I have been crying on and off for five days but today, it comes with a full package of mental and physical breakdown.

A lot has been going on this week. I graduated yesterday. That will be in another post. I got a job offer today which has been pending for the last three to four weeks I thought I didn't get called. I feel so confused whether to accept or reject but after a long emotional talk with my mother, I have my mind decided. I don't want anyone to be upset including me. It's just that I am so bad at evaluating.

Come on. Tomorrow I will be better than yesterday. I promise.

Other than that, the past few days have taught me not to put high hopes in people. I was disappointed, furious and somewhat devastated. I felt betrayed and I know more than anybody else that it's only me who felt this way.

This time, I am enraged at some people who happened to get a better opportunity than me. I will remember their faces when they looked down on me. Do me a favour and keep your rudeness to yourself. You looked dumb when you let it out. You are in no position to judge me despite the fact that we're friends. How disrespectful.

One day, you're going to regret you once disdained me. You wait.

Friday, October 27, 2017


Assalamualaikum and hi there. I hope you're doing great.

To start off, I actually have a bunch of friends who happen to be concerned of me not working at the moment. Aside from family, I mean. In a good way, I'm glad.

I'll be having my convocation in two weeks. I know I'll finish degree eventually but I didn't realised it would come this soon. Degree life is great. Enjoyed every bit of it. I miss going to classes, field and everything. After four years, I still love the fact that I got to learn something very different from what I was taught in school. I remember those small parts where I was silly in front of my crush, happily learning something new, dumb during exams, sad for my project and loved by friends. I would never ask for another chance to repeat because this memory alone is enough for me to cherish all my life.

A year ago, I would have think that I've passed the learning stage of my life at this moment. However, the presence is not as it seemed a year ago. In fact, I feel I know very little of what I was taught. Or it is just me? Realising this is what makes me quite nervous to make a move forward. But I've got to push myself through, I suppose? No, no one's dragging me to where I don't belong.

That's why I always told me friends before that you will never realise how much you are changing in a year. Going through internship, meeting people and bracing yourself are the small disregarded success you have made unconsciously. You have my respect for those, friends.

In spite of that, I'm about to do something many refer to as 'ridiculous'. The last time someone said 'ridiculous' to me (and it hurt me a lot forgod sake haha) was when I decided to intern at the Emerald Isle. Yet, went there, came back.

I can challenge myself again. I'm ready to brace myself. Though I'm anxious, I just need some support. Come along, would you?

P/s: Hey, as you're reading this, I hope you take care of yourself well. I couldn't be there for you all the time; I have my priorities and so do you. As I'm wishing success upon you, I would love if you could do the same for me too. See you when I see you.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

At 23


During these few months, I can say that I actually am starting to figure out what I want to do with my life but, I am losing it tonight. I feel lost and the path that I'd want to walk through seems blurry. I thought I had this in my mind these few weeks. A single touch from outside made me rethink of my life all over again.


There are times when people urge and limit you to grow. These people, despite the fact that they don't know you well, think that they know you. They think you can do what they asked you to. But the more important point is, they think you want to do what they asked you to. Giving you not a chance to say no, you had to agree because you haven't quite mastered the skill to refuse (which you had for a while back then). And the blame is on you.

I once grasped the true meaning of "You and I are not the same". I am praying so hard that I won't let go of this sentence.

Also today, I feel deeply disappointed in an old friend whom I looked upon. You're not so great after all. It happened when your actions were contrary with your words.

I should sleep now. I am having backache, stomachache and sorethroat for 2 days already.

Friday, September 15, 2017

Untuk malam ini sahaja #9

Benarkan aku berbicara
Untuk malam ini sahaja.

Malam ini
Biarlah walau kata-kataku hanya helah untukku menyampaikan prosa
Yang aku atur susunannya agar tidakku dipersoal
Tentang kemuliaan dan hak ideaku.

Malam ini
Kau dan aku punya satu perasaan yang serupa
Tetapi jangan kita khuatir
Terhadap suatu baris kata yang kita bina
Lengkap bersaksikan gambaran impian dan harapan
Dalam hati-hati kita.

Malam ini
Aku suka kau dan aku masih seperti dulu
Kau masih releven dengan bicaraku
Dan aku masih mengiyakan kata-katamu
Namun kita langsung tidak tersekat pada masa lalu.

Malam ini
Izinkan aku mengatakan sejujurnya
Bahawa aku sudah langsung lupa tentang kegagalanku
Kerana aku lebih daripada tahu
Kau enggan memperingatkanku akan duka lalu.

15 September 2017.
P/s : Mungkin siri #10 adalah antara yang istimewa. Kita nantikan apa yang bakal jari-jemariku terjemahkan.