Sunday, March 19, 2017

I forgave you already

To : People in my life (with or without intention)

Far did you know how much I was hurting. Despite how wrong I was or how right I supposed to be, you decided to disregard my feelings. You didn't acknowledge how hurt I was then. Or how mean you were. You were too submerged in the action of proving that I was wrong. Or proving you were right. Good news; you won.

I have accumulated all those feelings, the sad ones into this heart. I know I once have a big heart but I'm afraid to be aware of how tiny it has become. I'm afraid that I'm slowly becoming a small, disregarded creature. I don't like myself now because I know I have been better.

I know I have all the capabilities to grow. I know. GOD, I KNOW.  I'm fully aware of that. I have just grown too scared to move and improve because of those mistakes. Also, I might have been too dependent on many people.

I don't blame you. It's so shallow of me to put a blame on you. You were just superior to me at that time as I was left speechless.

Don't make decisions for me anymore, please. I really want to make my own mistakes and learn from them (though I already made many). Honestly, I can't distant myself from people like you. I may look and seem tiny now but leave me spaces to regain myself back. I need some refreshments and a period to heal. Let me take my time.

I promise to be back boldly. Better than  how I used to be. I won't be quick in judging anymore.  I won't be scared and scarred any longer. I won't be easily influenced and stepped on. I won't be as shallow as you. I'll learn to decide what's best for me. I want to be strong in my actions. I'll find the right in all wrongs. I hope I will be fond of subjectivity, positivity and compassion. Worry not, I won't be like you.

Anyhow, I forgive you.

P/s : Tears no more.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Here at the emerald land

Assalamualaikum.

It has been more than two weeks since I left Malaysia. I still don't know whether to be happy about it or to be sad or whatever.

Ireland has been unwelcoming ever since the first day we arrived. The February weather was tremendously extreme. One moment it was sunny and the next it was raining, hailing and storming. The skin on my hand showed traces of burning due to the abnormal humidity. When the sun was out, I really felt like finishing the whole load of work. However when the weather was low, we only felt tired for doing work indoor. Yep, this is winter here.

On the other hand, the place for internship is very unlikely as what I imagined. Actually, I didn't really have the time to imagine anything (due to the whole week of rushing everything before flying). Although two weeks have passed, I still have the fresh thought of every single thing happening before coming here. It happened horribly. I learnt my lessons well.

Though the real project hasn't started, everything we've been doing here currently is still under syllabus scope. Except some works that were considered 'helping out' rather than 'learning'. So I have been trying to to pick up as many info and lessons as I can along the way.

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Hidup kena pandai jaga diri. Tak payah jaga orang sangat.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

I was wrong.

Right after it happened, I knew I was wrong. I admit. It was me who was dumb.

Please, Allah, guide me to the correct path. Save me from any misfortune.

Am I just being selfish? Am I not considering my family's feelings? But a friend said, for once, think from your own perspective.

I owe my mother so much.

I need to again find my correct purpose of going.  It will be a different world.

My best friend will not be there with me. Be extra careful. Ask around before agreeing.

Ya, Allah. Please let me endure and come home safe.




Jangan suka-suka sangat.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

12 weeks

Macam mana lah aku nk survive nnti.
Berderau darah dengar amaun.
Apasal lah aku xterpikir dari awal haritu.
Ape lah dalam kepala otak aku ni.

Tawakkaltu alallah je lah.

I hope it's not too late. Allah tolonglah aku, Allah.

Hendakku tanamkan keyakinanku padaMu Yang Maha Esa. Cukuplah Engkau sebagai Pengatur bagiku.