How lucky I am

I thought for a long time about this. Whose prayer was it that made my wish granted? Who was the one to pray to The Almighty of my well-being? Because you know, I am certain that I managed to land a new job due to some people's prayers.

Yo guys, I landed a good offer from the latest interview. I told you how determined I was to get a good offer. I did, despite my nervousness. I reminded myself to only speak of the truth and always be honest. Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah.

So, I'm starting at a new environment soon. I have been patient and I will always have patience. "It is passion that drives you," I told my boss. Unknowingly, tears ran down my cheeks as I was adding "I really have big dreams, sir" at the end of our conversation. That was the time I saw the softest part of him.

Ever since I was in school, I have heard many people saying I'm good, I did a good job, I have bright future ahead of me, I have potentials; all sorts of those pep talks and inspirational encouragement. I didn't know how to respond properly to those. Every one of those connotes to a single reference; I have to keep up with that expectation.

It was as if this person, who was saying I have potentials, implied that I will be someone in the future. Then, the nasty questions came in. "What if I don't become someone?" "What if I don't live up to that expectation?" And the worst - "What if they see me as a failure or just a normal person? They expect me to be someone though."

I cannot describe how hard I tried to get past it and how hard it was for me. I know you have your own issues too but let me rant for myself for a moment. I just want to stroll along my own path, big or small. I am painting it with colours I haven't decided on yet. I want to do yellow on some days, red on some weekends, splash of pastels on others, maybe rainbow on a dull Monday; can't I do just that?

This went on for years. Sometimes, I'd blame myself for not having the courage and braveness to make a step towards something so I started pushing myself. I pushed myself to certain limits which I didn't realize existed. What happened after was unconciously, either I fell sick or I got disappointed.

Anyway, I am thrilled that I will be moving back home and starting a new job. Here are the challenges that I ordered. I welcome any with open hands. See how it goes. I will be ready.

Let's do this for couple of years or more, Zuriani. You'll be good. 

Cukuplah Allah sebagai pengatur bagiku.


P/s : I think I will write more now.